Ed Puts The Frighteners On The Frogs

Crunch time for Brexit and with Commerce in my portfolio along with Science, Technology and Industry, I’m in the thick of it, Ed confides to his diary.

As always the difficulties are coming from the French and the PM has asked me to draw up some frighteners on what we’ll do to them if they don’t play ball.

My Department have come up with some witty suggestions:

A 100% tariff on Frog fizz (no chance of us actually doing that – the Tories live on the stuff).

A proposal to rename St Pancras Station ‘Trafalgar Terminus’ to remind  francais/francaises arriving on the Eurostar of their maritime inadequacies.

A levy equivalent to 10% of the value of any French racehorses running in English races (the Jockey Club will never let it happen but it may stir some angst). 

A threat to withdraw our recognition of French rights over the French West Indies.

A Parliamentary motion that the Entente Cordiale is an historical anomaly and that future official visitors from France shall be entitled to the same diplomatic courtesies as those from Romania..

Proposing to remove the statue of Charles de Gaulle in Carlton Gardens on the grounds that he was racist in condoning French colonialism.

The Defence Ministry has come up with frighteners on military, cyber-security and policing co-operation.

“We have to show the Frenchies we mean business, Ed,” the PM tells me, “and by golly we shall.”

I will, naturally, be letting my Froggie chums know (in return for appropriate spondulicks) that I am the go-to guy for avoiding these consequences.