Nothing says ‘ready to game’ quite like being cocooned in a giant scorpion cockpit

I mean no one is coming into your cubicle, that’s for sure

Since I am The Verge’s resident “weird animal stories” expert (see: murder hornets and the story of eagle vs. drone) of course my colleague suggested I would want to look into this gaming chair that is made to look like a giant scorpion.

Sigh.

This is the Cluvens IW-SK zero-gravity esports gaming chair and workstation. It can, according to the Cluvens website, support an ultra-wide 49-inch monitor, or three curved 27-inch monitors, and comes with HDMI/DP cables to connect them. It weighs 265 pounds, is 65 inches long, 47 inches wide and 82 inches tall when fully extended. So it’s not going to just neatly fit in a corner, you’ll need a bit of room.

Let me just state for the record that I am neither A) an avid gamer or B) a fan of insects, especially the ultra-poisonous ones like scorpions. So a gaming chair is not something I’m really in the market for, much less an insectile gaming cockpit with eight legs.

I’m trying to envision it in an office setting, however, like a pre-pandemic office, where rando coworkers would inevitably stop by your desk to chit-chat about the Steelers when you are on deadline and just need to focus and — hmm. Maybe I am seeing the use for this insect cockpit. If we could affix some kind of device (nothing too deadly) to the stinger that would intimidate people from approaching I might be able to get on board here.

According to Cluvens’ description, the cockpit is motorized, and “with the touch of a button transforms into whatever you need it to be.”

<Looks directly at camera>

The scorpion’s “tail” extends and becomes the overhang support for mounting screens, and you can adjust both the distance of the monitor and the angle using a controller. The “claws” where the mouse and keyboard rest (sure why not) have rounded corners so they’re not as dangerous as they look (but no cupholder? Where are you supposed to put your Mountain Dew?) And, Cluvens says:

The body of the Scorpion is where you can choose to sit upright or lie down for a break. And guess what?! The chair even comes with a massage and heating function so you can enjoy some quality time while you’re making yourself look like the ultimate villain.

Wait wait wait... it reclines and has massage and heating functions? That’s... much more interesting.

Still gotta get comfortable laying down in a giant insect, however, so not sure how relaxing it would actually be? Catie Keck over at Gizmodo really wants one though so go comment on her story. We all have to help each other in these trying times.

Cluvens lists the chair at $3,299 (but our friends over at CNET found it on Alibaba for a mere $1,900). You have to reserve them in advance, but Cluvens promises you won’t regret the wait, and says you’ll be the envy of all your friends.

Your very cool friends.