ANC air for the high rollers

Comrades, relax and enjoy the hospitality of the South African taxpayer. After all, none of you joined the struggle to be poor – and nobody joined the struggle to fly economy class!

Ladies and gentlemen, ANC comrades and freedom fighters! Welcome aboard ANC Air Force Flight 1652 to Harare. The skies really are friendlier when you fly with us because we promise: “A better flight for all.” This is a code share leg with our partner Banana Republic Airways (formerly known as SAA) – which apologises for being unable to carry out the flight itself. Its only remaining aircraft – removed from the museum hangar last week – is a Tiger Moth, which is too breezy for personages of your esteemed qualities. Please note, however, that this Falcon executive jet is only...

Ladies and gentlemen, ANC comrades and freedom fighters! Welcome aboard ANC Air Force Flight 1652 to Harare.

The skies really are friendlier when you fly with us because we promise: “A better flight for all.”

This is a code share leg with our partner Banana Republic Airways (formerly known as SAA) – which apologises for being unable to carry out the flight itself.

Its only remaining aircraft – removed from the museum hangar last week – is a Tiger Moth, which is too breezy for personages of your esteemed qualities.

Please note, however, that this Falcon executive jet is only able to do Luanda, Lusaka and Lilongwe as alternative destinations.

Refuelling is no longer possible because even Liberia has cancelled our credit facilities. Before we start our take-off roll here at the Tony, Ajay and Atul memorial air base, here are the safety precautions.

Please fasten your safety belts – you will notice they are in green, gold and black…the colours of the organisation which has always kept you safe, from journalists and the National Prosecuting Authority.

You insert the tongue into the slot – like your nose into the trough, Comrades! – and push until you hear a loud, metallic noise.

We used to call this a “click”, but Comrade Ace has banned the word because the plural has been hijacked by the Economic Freedom Fighters.

Other than that, Comrades, there are no safety rules, especially not to do with Covid.

You are the ANC and you are in your personal aircraft – even Mbaks says the military controls the skies! We liberated South Africa – so you do not have to ask permission to do any thing!

We do, however, need to advise you of the location of the sick bag, in case someone does want to hold you accountable and you need to have a convenient illness to escape appearing before a commission of inquiry.

For your reading pleasure, in the seat pocket in front of you, you will find a copy of the latest Ministerial Handbook, sponsored jointly by Range Rover, Mercedes-Benz and BMW, and which includes a handy calculator to work out how quickly you can replace a vehicle and give it to your son or daughter.

There is also an addendum at the back on party officials flying on military aircraft, along with the 10 most believable excuses to feed the media.

The in-flight entertainment, approved by Comrade Ace, is Oceans 11 – because it is educational to see how others carry out their heists.

The movie Hair has been removed, however, because it is a reminder of the EFF victory.

When we reach our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, we will serve a light lunch of Beluga caviar, Wagyu steak from Japan, a truffle and foie gras jus.

It will be paired with fine French champagne. For those who prefer something with a bit more kick (like an army soldier on patrol in Alex, madame defence minister), we have Johnnie Walker Blue Label, the Revolutionary Choice.

Before landing in Harare, please fill out the Fraternal Political Party Visitors Declaration, promising not to ask any difficult questions or to speak to anyone other than Zanu-PF.

Comrades, relax and enjoy the hospitality of the South African taxpayer. After all, none of you joined the struggle to be poor – and nobody joined the struggle to fly economy class!