Anne Hailes: So you think sex isn't important, particularly for oldies? Think again...

OLIVIA Fane has written a book debunking our notions about sex. That will guarantee her an audience. I listened to her being interviewed and really, she may well have a point of view and probably has researched it fully but the title Why Sex Doesn’t Matter is a bit over the top – but it does what she intends: it grabs the attention.

She says that one in three people haven’t had sex in the past month – I wouldn’t argue with that – and that it’s more important to men than to women. I don’t have a problem with that either.

Apparently it goes back to the First World War and America where the divorce rate was high. The bond was broken when men went off to fight and women became economically independent; then they were the ones who had to go out to work and become the breadwinner.

When the men came back it presented a problem They wanted to pick up where they left off but they were fighting another fight, this time against women who had a routine and a responsibility. They weren’t just going to go peaceably into that new dawn. So the powers that be in the White House sat round a table to work this problem out – and their solution? Make the woman more sexy in order to keep their man happy and at home.

Love and sex were the same thing, they said; they encouraged a market of lotions and potions, fashion and beauty parlours to fight the ageing process because when you are young and beautiful it’s OK but some women get less attractive as they get older. Their thinking was, if you are no longer desirable, you are no longer lovable.

:: In the eye of the beholder

According to Olivia it’s the same for a woman’s attraction to a man: handsome equals erotic love. She’ll say ‘I want that’ and goes for it and with the introduction of contraception pill, what’s to stop her?

It’s like heroin or cocaine, Ms Fane believes; sex and especially erotic sex is an addiction and certainly not for the elderly.

I disagree with her. Think of Judi Dench and my dreamboat Clint Eastwood, neither in the first flush of youth but totally attractive in a sexy sort of way. A twinkle in the eye and good conversation, a little flirtation and well cooked meal with a glass of wine and who knows? A million times better than a romp in Fifty Shades of Grey’s ‘Red Room’.

In life surely intimacy and caring is more important; making love rather than having sex; friendship and consideration. However, perhaps we only come to this knowledge a little later in life.

Unbridled sex has brought down governments, started wars and caused a lot of unhappiness, yet within a stable, loving partnership it is right and proper and after the notorious – and rather bad – Fifty Shades apparently B&Q was inundated with men and women looking for ropes and chains.

I was actually in the shop one day when a well-dressed man was buying these items and I guess they weren’t for use on a building site.

Many young women, and probably men too, experience stress when sex is a challenge – a feeling of embarrassment and guilt, perhaps being unable to achieve what they think is asked of them, feeling they are not attractive, looking at Love Island and matching themselves to these beauties despite how shallow the whole thing is.

Magazines with skinny girls and macho men set an unrealistic standard. Sadly it seems impossible to just be yourself these days; comparisons are odious but impossible to ignore.

However, during the lockdown many women allowed their hair to grow and become natural, saving money and actually liking the effect. Make-up wasn’t necessary as no-one was coming to the door and again putting on the war paint seemed less important and a new approach to everyday life has taken root.

However, remember this. Ability in business accounts for 7 per cent of your success, how the message is delivered to the customer 38 per cent, but it’s estimated that 55 per cent of success is due to appearance. How often have you watched someone on television and missed the whole message because you’ve been admiring their make-up or what they are wearing?

:: Then there’s this Twitter thing

Why oh why do people sign up for this social media brand? It seems to me a sort of rod to break your back on. Why complain when you get antisocial messages and hate mail if you open the envelope?

Used to be anonymous letters, unsigned threats which you either threw away, confided in someone you could trust about or took to the police; in my personal experience you will end it with much-needed help. Twitter, on the other hand, is like an open sewer with the filth running through without check.

I’m sure Olivia Fane will make a packet from her book. It’s interesting and she romps along covering many aspects of why sex doesn’t matter. Understanding, a blend of romantic love and an exciting physical sex life seems like a perfect mix but perfection is all in the mind.

She sums up in one sentence: “Sex is a biological urge, nothing more and nothing less, we’ve made sex our god.”

:: Why Sex Doesn’t Matter by Olivia Fane (Mensch Publishing) is available in bookshops and online.